Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Mrs. Jill

I knew Mrs. Jill. Not as well as most people at Christ's Church, but long enough for her to touch my heart.

I saw her last week. She looked past all her pain and inconveniences and asked me about myself. She wanted to know about me. She encouraged me and told me I encouraged her.

I saw her today. In bed, being treated by her family with tenderness. They knew it was near the end, and they focused all their attention on giving her water, keeping her warm, etc. In her bedroom I saw what in meant to love someone "in sickness or in health". Unconditionally.

She touched many people, from what I can see. She was beloved. Jill seemed to radiate light and made you want to be around her.

Even though I can't hold her hand, or kiss her cheek anymore, the warmth and love she gave me will stay with me always. I'll think of Mrs. Jill and see her in heaven with Jesus, shining like the sun.

Goodbye Mrs. Jill. I love you.

Monday, August 23, 2010

the fam

I hang out with my family regularly. Patrick and I live with my mom, While Mike and Chris live with my dad. This year, Chris and Patrick are away, leaving me with the drunken ECU pirate, Mike. I eat dinner with Dad and Mike usually. But it seems that every time I see them, my faith has to come up. It's an underlying issue that they won't overcome.

Yesterday morning in church, we read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. "Be joyful always; never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Chris told us to look for the joy in all situations. But today at dinner, my joy-seeking only seemed to highlight my family's pessimism and grouchiness. I don't understand why they can't be happy about anything. Nitpicking at strangers is an art to these people.

Jesus also tells us to wipe the dust from our feet when people are unresponsive. This is really hard though, because I want to belong with my family. They're in this bubble, and I'm on the outside. This is a terrible example of being joyful always, but it makes me really sad that we're so different. Your family is supposed to be your support system, but I'm up on a hirewire with no loving net beneath me. Only sniping and rolling eyes. They think I'm crazy and ignorant. They laugh at me.

So I have a family in Christ. In my church. It's not settling for second fiddle when I accept this form of family, but it feels like I am. Like I'm forced to go find a family, cause I'm not welcome in mine.

This was a lot of venting. But I really am so grateful to find acceptance in other Christians. It's just tough while I'm still under a hostile roof.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Tonight, when I was Worshipfest, I started thinking about my brother's friend again. I've been strangely upset about it, since I haven't seen him in years. I'd forgotten he existed. Nevertheless, I was upset. Then tonight when I was worshiping, I got really angry. Zach shouldn't have died. If God loved me as much as I was proclaiming, why didn't He love Zach enough to save him from heroin and, I'm assuming, Hell. He knew Zach would go to Hell. He didn't care. This upset me a lot. Singing seemed pointless.
But I realized that it's my job to save people. Zach shouldn't have died, but I can keep other people from dying for the same reason.
I still haven't reconciled why God lets so many people go to Hell, but I know He loves us.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Holy Crap

My brother's friend died. He's 24. He overdosed. I'm not really sure what to think. Holy crap. I grew up with the guy.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Rapha House

I've been feeling a pull towards Rapha House lately. Not just them, but sex trade victims in general. I really want to do something to help.
I have this idea. A while back I wanted to make a t-shirt that said "Daughters of the King". Just for myself. But if I made a lot of them, and sold them to girls to remind them that they're God's children, I could give the money I earned to Rapha House. My mom would pay for the t-shirts and supplies. I don't know if she would be okay with that, but if I agreed to stop spending money on me I think it would be okay.
One thing I haven't figured out yet is a bible verse to put on the shirts. Something about being daughters of God. Does anyone know a good one?
Tomorrow at church I'll talk to Brent about this idea. He did the shirts for the ALS walk, and I'm hoping he can help me out. Wish me luck!

To learn more about Rapha House click here http://www.raphahouse.org/

Friday, August 13, 2010

My friend and I were hanging out the other day, and somehow the topic of Christianity/Buddhism came up. She thought mixing two religions into one was cool. I told her when they're mixed, they lose what makes up the original belief. Jesus is the truth, the way, and the light, and you can't get to Heaven any other way. How was that so hard for her to understand?
I'm a teenager, and we have this annoying apathy towards spirituality. Like it's an extra-curricular instead of a life-altering calling. I used to fell like that too. Church was cool to go to, if my friends showed up. But I got involved in my personal relationship with God, and it was awesome. I want to share this love, but it's hard when my mission field is a bunch of hormonal teens. God's love is an uncompromising, burning passion. I'm learning to share it with kids who've been to church all their lives and are bored with the concept. They're okay with mixing religions to match their beliefs. Editing the Bible. Not cool with me.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Baby steps

So I just went and talked to my neighbors about Jesus. Literally just now. I still have butterflies in my stomach.

On Saturday I thought God was telling me to make my neighbors some muffins. But I laid in bed all day cause it was more comfortable. Then today, I got up and had a plan. After heating some marshmallows and butter, then mixing with cereal, I had rice crispies. The people I had in mind are a very nice couple to our right with two college-age kids. We'd exchanged baked goods before, but never went past pleasantries.

So I had my treats ready. I wasn't quite sure how to go about it, so I called Kristi Cartwright, a dear friend. She told me there aren't step-by-step instructions. Just to let God talk through me. Then she prayed with me, and I was ready to go. I walked over and rang the doorbell. No answer. Okay, let's try the neighbors to the other side. No answer. I had forgotten that most adults are at work this time of day. So I looked around and saw a house a little bit down with cars in the driveway. I rang. A guy answered and let me in. He and his wife welcomed me and thanked me for the gift of rice crispy treats.

Then I asked, "Have you heard the good news of Jesus Christ?"
It felt more like a stammer, but there it was.
"Yes.", they replied, and asked what church I go to.
We talked a bit about school zones and jobs, then I went home. Now I'm here typing.

I know God tells us to go out and preach the Gospel, but it's nerve wracking sometimes. Today I learned that I can do it, however.
When armed with God (and delicious rice crispies), there's nothing too scary.