Over the Week

Senior year is crazy. I've never ever been this busy. But through all the stuff I gotta do, there's a relationship with God to maintain.
The biggest help I get in this is from my church. which makes me really happy. Two years ago I was a stupid teen smoking pot. Now I have a supportive church.

Hitting the High Road

I'm feeling better than I was last time I posted. More energized. More awake. More like there's a big bandwagon heading somewhere new, and I'm packing up my junk and getting on it.
We're reading the book Do Hard Things in small group.
Basically, two teen boys put Got at the center of their lives, and challenge the status quo that teens are good for texting and getting drunk. Things for Alex and Brett Harris explode after that. They get to do really hard things, and ecourage other teens to wake up.
I've been doing yoga lately, and it feels great. Before, I was tired and listless. Now I feel like I'm productive and up for something to happen. But, as we learn in the bible, I can't just wait for God to make me president of some big movement. It's up to me to Do Hard Things.
Obviously, I'm not a normal teen. I think too much for that. Ha. I made a funny. But seriously, I'm living my life for the glory of God. According to the book Almost Christian, 3/4 of American teens associate with a religion, and a good percentage of that go to church. But before I came to Christ's Church, I never knew what it meant to live for God. To let go of everything, physically and mentally, and take up a cross.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do for God, but I think I'd make a good speaker, or even a youth minister. Maybe it's cause I like to talk, but I've been told I'm good at public speaking. And how awesome would it be to go around and talk about God for your job? I'll have an agent to handle all the paperwork and scheduling, while I go pray with people, or talk to them about their lives.
I think I'm rambling, but that means I'm passionate about something, finally, which could lead to great things.
After all, as Brett and Alex show us, kids are a useful tool in God's kingdom.

Update

I haven't blogged in a while.
I haven't been reading my bible, so maybe I just didn't want people to know I'm a slacker. If I wasn't able to read it, that'd be cool, but I just choose not to. I don't feel close to God.
A bunch of crappy stuff happened a month ago, and it kinda shook me. I don't deal with death or pain very often, so it's like an itchy shirt. I just wanna get rid of it as soon as possible.
I think it's also cause I started school. I feel like the girl I was becoming over the summer is fading into the background, replaced by a surprisingly productive and busy teenager. But devoid of a relationship with the Creator.
I'm around a lot more people, and that stresses me out. Who can I trust, who can I talk to about God? I have to have my guard up at school, cause all these little dirty sinners wanna separate me and God.
Not true, but it feels that way. I just don't trust kids my age. We don't know who we are. We let other people define us. I let God define me, which makes me pretty lonely in a school of over a thousand.
So yeah. I feel lonely and detached from God. And like I'm not gonna get any help from the other lonely kids around me.
Smallgroup is up again, which gives us a family to help. And I know as soon as I get into a good reading schedule I'll feel better, but I'm just low now.

Mrs. Jill

I knew Mrs. Jill. Not as well as most people at Christ's Church, but long enough for her to touch my heart.

I saw her last week. She looked past all her pain and inconveniences and asked me about myself. She wanted to know about me. She encouraged me and told me I encouraged her.

I saw her today. In bed, being treated by her family with tenderness. They knew it was near the end, and they focused all their attention on giving her water, keeping her warm, etc. In her bedroom I saw what in meant to love someone "in sickness or in health". Unconditionally.

She touched many people, from what I can see. She was beloved. Jill seemed to radiate light and made you want to be around her.

Even though I can't hold her hand, or kiss her cheek anymore, the warmth and love she gave me will stay with me always. I'll think of Mrs. Jill and see her in heaven with Jesus, shining like the sun.

Goodbye Mrs. Jill. I love you.

the fam

I hang out with my family regularly. Patrick and I live with my mom, While Mike and Chris live with my dad. This year, Chris and Patrick are away, leaving me with the drunken ECU pirate, Mike. I eat dinner with Dad and Mike usually. But it seems that every time I see them, my faith has to come up. It's an underlying issue that they won't overcome.

Yesterday morning in church, we read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. "Be joyful always; never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Chris told us to look for the joy in all situations. But today at dinner, my joy-seeking only seemed to highlight my family's pessimism and grouchiness. I don't understand why they can't be happy about anything. Nitpicking at strangers is an art to these people.

Jesus also tells us to wipe the dust from our feet when people are unresponsive. This is really hard though, because I want to belong with my family. They're in this bubble, and I'm on the outside. This is a terrible example of being joyful always, but it makes me really sad that we're so different. Your family is supposed to be your support system, but I'm up on a hirewire with no loving net beneath me. Only sniping and rolling eyes. They think I'm crazy and ignorant. They laugh at me.

So I have a family in Christ. In my church. It's not settling for second fiddle when I accept this form of family, but it feels like I am. Like I'm forced to go find a family, cause I'm not welcome in mine.

This was a lot of venting. But I really am so grateful to find acceptance in other Christians. It's just tough while I'm still under a hostile roof.

Worshipfest

Tonight, when I was Worshipfest, I started thinking about my brother's friend again. I've been strangely upset about it, since I haven't seen him in years. I'd forgotten he existed. Nevertheless, I was upset. Then tonight when I was worshiping, I got really angry. Zach shouldn't have died. If God loved me as much as I was proclaiming, why didn't He love Zach enough to save him from heroin and, I'm assuming, Hell. He knew Zach would go to Hell. He didn't care. This upset me a lot. Singing seemed pointless.
But I realized that it's my job to save people. Zach shouldn't have died, but I can keep other people from dying for the same reason.
I still haven't reconciled why God lets so many people go to Hell, but I know He loves us.

Holy Crap

My brother's friend died. He's 24. He overdosed. I'm not really sure what to think. Holy crap. I grew up with the guy.